But faith, it is a knowing thing, relinquish all control of things and submit yourself to loving in the highest light

I think I've become too cocky. I think it's complicated everything. It's a weird sort of cocky which lies beneath the surface and doesn't come out in my actions but rather in my general mindset. I say that I'm too modest or self-loathing to allow certain things to seem as if they were done as a reaction to me, but I don't think this is so anymore… and I think that's okay to an extent, I mean I don't want to be self-loathing… but I also don't want to be this weird, warped sort of self-confident. I want to be innocent and honest and vulnerable again. I lost that with Natalie, and while I was with Taylor, it only grew worse because I began to feel outrageously more superior to her. Then, with Kelsey, it just completely fucked itself over. She was the person I used to tell everything to-- well, not everything, but I could. I could tell her anything in the world without holding back, no feelings of insecurity or embarrassment about what I could let slip out, no fear of being judged… and, I don't know, I mean I'd even once asked her how she liked vaginas to be groomed! And, okay, that sounds random, and it would be totally "mundane" if I'd asked it as if I were mildly curious and detached from the question itself, but I was able to ask her this without hiding the fact that I was curious for myself, knowing that, if anything, she'd find it cute or amusing or, well, perfectly acceptable really.
Now, if I were to ask her something of the sort, I'd feel like she was judging me or laughing at me. There's a difference between amusement and pointed hilarity and, lately, I feel like everything I do is met with the latter.
FUCK.
I just want to be ignorant and unaware. Not because I want to be kept from seeing the truth of things, but because what I do see when I examine things too carefully is something which is NOT the truth… I see a warped version of it, mingled with sad thoughts, awful assumptions... just, it's just bad. I could live without it.
I want to be a fool. I want to get tricked, I want to be happy and interested in everything, I am sick of blocking myself off from new ideas, new people, new emotions, just because I'm scared it'll all turn out badly. I've just become a real cynic and I want to change.

i don't know what happened to my view of you. something happened, i'm not sure what. i mean, i suppose perceptions change and transform over time, but i miss how you used to look like in my eyes. i had this, not blind, but perhaps doubtless and unwavering trust and confidence in you. these days i've still got this often inexplicable, but sometimes completely rational admiration for you, but it's a lot more... edited and morphed. i've allowed my insecurities to take hold of one of the few things i had going for me. now i'm scared to like you the way i used to and confide in you as wholly. i feel like in some way you're judging me. not in the conventional way that i assume everyone else does, but just in a kelsey way. critical but sort of indifferent about it. the indifference scares me. i don't know. i just. don't. know. anymore.

i hate kelsey for this. she knows i overthink. she gives me looks today in class, she drunk texts me song lyrics ("I dunno if i can stand another hdnd upon you all iknow is that i should hahaha oh dear fucking god gahgkagmpan"), she uses flirtatious lines like "oh you". what the fuck am i to do with this? it's not hard to get to me, she knows that, so what's she trying to do? this isn't fair.
:(
and now i'm eagerly awaiting the call she just promised me. why did she even do that? i only called her as a response to her text. she doesn't have to call me back ffs. now i'm just a loser waiting for a phonecall that may never come. this always happens.

might update you later, might not, we'll see. xx

i think i'm too involved. i'm too out there. i can't keep putting myself out there. i feel like taylor is overlapping natalie. in fact, it's more than a feeling, it's fact. even moreso now that nat is coming back into my life. taylor is certainly not sloppy seconds but the fact of the matter is that she is the second girl i've gone through this routine with and to be honest, i don't know if i'm strong enough to go through it again.

what people don't seem to understand is that i don't follow the conventional concept of time; i just don't understand it. in my mind, everything moves so much slower. every look, every exchange; it's all happening in slow motion for me and i feel it all, all of the time. i described this in a piece of writing i once wrote which i've only ever shared with one person, but basically it involves me comparing myself to an open wound. half of the text is spent glorifying the nature of newly damaged skin and the other half denounces the idea of a healed scar, which has become closed off and unfeeling. i remember thinking how much i loved what i wrote because it wasn't written as a response to something or someone. it was really nothing more than an elaboration on a simple musing. turned out to be rather fantastic.
i didn't praise an open wound because i wanted to illustrate feelings of brokenness or of hurting or suffering, but rather to express the beauty of sensitivity, and how that is what i am. sensitive. sensitive and vulnerable, and i savour it all, whether salty or sweet. everything i experience --be it a tangible situation or event, or even something as fleeting and abstract as an emotion--, it's all amplified and emphasized. everything matters to me. i put meaning into it all. which is all to say, this might be a contributing factor to my warped views on the passing of time.

it makes me terribly high-maintenance in a very uncharacteristic way. i think hard on things and i am often quite fickle, capricious. it scares me. and this would make the difficulties one might have with me very hard to place because one would never be sure what exactly it is they want to blame me for. the fact of the matter is, i don't show any obvious, outward signs of dysfunction. not the common sort of signs that would make someone automatically run in the opposite direction and never look back, as they most probably should. it's unfair. i'm afraid to put anyone through it. so, so afraid. i often feel like a hypochondriac restricted to only the mental illnesses and how they can become contagious. i'm afraid to destroy or corrupt, and i know that i'm very capable of it. i'm capable of it through manipulation of emotion and thought, though not done intentionally, i do recognize when it occurs... even when the affected does not.

anyway, i know i'm sounding extreme but that's how i do. you usually have to find the underlying message in the wordy mess. and by 'you', i mean myself, odd as that may be.
i suppose rants like these, in all of their apparent confusion, ultimately bring clarity.

epiphany. you were the innocent one. you were the more breakable one. i fucked with that. i don't think i ever realized how harsh and dark i was when it all started, but i was. i had this low self-esteem that made me hate myself enough to think i could never possibly hurt anyone because i could never matter enough to someone to be able to wield that sort of power. every time you'd express something about your feelings for someone, i'd never assume it had anything to do with me. i'd always find a way to twist your words to make it about someone else. every song you listened to, i was never the person you were thinking about as it played. every picture that inspired you never reminded you of me, it reminded you of someone else. my feelings for you were clouded over by bitterness and jealousy, sometimes warranted, but mostly just conjured from my own imagination.

this murkiness that bubbled inside of me was lying just below the surface, not tangible, but there. it only made itself evident afterwards, and as a result i blamed it all on you. that wasn't fair at all. i feel guilty about it every second because, to see you hurt, to imagine a pained look on your face, that sinking feeling in your chest as you read my heavy words, it breaks my heart. it really does.

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:14 AM)

and for her, she's just so hilariously enamoured by me... that it's just... haha i dont know, but she takes me so seriously

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:20 AM)

it's deeply flattering

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:34 AM)

like she'll say things like "i've never met anyone like you before... "

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:40 AM)

and she'll elaborate in some weird way

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:45:59 AM)

and obviously, me being me, i won't understand the fascination

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:08 AM)

which perhaps might be how you feel about ME

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:12 AM)

...hahaha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:47 AM)

but you and i are very different, PLUS you're not quite as modest as i am so its very likely you think of my attitude towards you differently than i would with taylor

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:53 AM)

not that theyre entirely the same but theyre comparable

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:46:57 AM)

(am i making sense?)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:13 AM)

lol oh please, no insecurities haha:p and YES i follow, dont worry:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:20 AM)

and now way man im totally modest

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:24 AM)

you're just insecure:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:29 AM)

needlessly so, if i may add

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:43 AM)

that's... nice of you.. haha

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:47:47 AM)

i know though, you're right

shalalalalalalala says: (2:47:59 AM)

lol but you dont believe it? ah okay, you see thats what i like to hear lol

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:49 AM)

well i mean i UNDERSTAND i might be a little insecure...

sarah woah woah woah. says: (2:48:55 AM)

i just think it can't be helped:)

shalalalalalalala says: (2:49:22 AM)

oh you lol :)